**WARNING: Very long post!**
I recently saw on Facebook someone posted that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle so he must think I’m a bad ass. I feel totally like that today, like he must think I’m a bad ass because I’ve got a freakin’ lot to deal with right now.
This post will NOT be published to Facebook for all my friends & family to see. The ones who really care may happen upon it when visiting my blog or if they’ve subscribed (is there a way to tell who is subscribed?) and if so, so be it.
I am so stressed out, I think I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I have more than I can handle at work, and my cries for help are falling on deaf ears. I was supposed to go to Washing DC for our company’s annual meeting this week, but had to cancel because I have too much to do. We launched a new website two-and-a-half weeks ago, and it’s been a nightmare! I am constantly getting calls and emails from customers having problems with it. We tested it with a hand full of customers for two months, and pushed back the launch a week, just to make sure everything was perfect and it still isn’t. Mind you, we’re not the first to go on this new site – I don’t understand how it is working for the others…. but whatever. So, since that’s been going on I am unable to get the rest of my stuff done that I need to. I guess the only answer is to push back some other deadlines, but I really hate doing that!
But the worst part about everything is that my husband and I haven’t exactly been perfect the past couple of years, its been REALLY rough, but we love each other so we’re trying to work through it. Without going into the nitty-gritty details, things are very rocky right now and I’m scared to death we won’t make it through it. And if we don’t, it won’t be my decision. I struggle every day with knowing I can’t make him feel a certain way, I can’t make him happy if he’s unhappy, but I still want to do everything possible! It really does take two, though, and if he doesn’t want to put the time and effort in, or if he thinks it is over for him, well…. nothing I can do. But I do love him so much and I will be a complete mess if things don’t work out. We’ve been together for over 16-years now and I wouldn’t even know what to do with my life without him.
My daughter, who is from a previous (very brief) marriage, is also a source of stress; in general, and in my marriage. It has nothing to do with her being a step-child (well, not for my husband anyway, not exactly) and everything to do with differing parenting styles. She’s 19, not in school and not working. She has poor personal hygiene (showers every 3 or 4 days) and is just basically lazy. Her priorities have been her boyfriend, and her video games. (She & her boyfriend just broke up, though) Her chores; empty/load the dishwasher, clean the litter box every day, clean her bathroom, keep her room clean, and keeping her stuff clear of the general living areas, have been the same since she was about 7 and we STILL have to remind/force her to do them! She took 4 classes her first (and only so-far) semester of college and failed them all! She was not working while going to school so there is no excuse for her failing! After that happened, we gave her an ultimatum… she had 30-days to get a job and start paying $100/mo towards insurance for the truck that we provide for her to drive (during that month she was only to use the truck to look for a job, as we are the ones putting the gas in it), if she didn’t do that she had to move out. Well, then my husband had to go out-of-town for what should have been 4-weeks, but ended up being 6 and I was starting school and really needed her help around the house, and especially the dogs. So, we extended her time so she could stay with me and help me out until he came back. He’s been back for about 3-weeks now and she still doesn’t have a job. She says she’s doing everything to try to get one… and while I don’t think she is lying, I think she THINKS she is doing everything she can, but I think she can do more. She takes criticism and critique VERY hard and it turns into a big argument every time we try to talk to her about this stuff. She argues with us about EVERYTHING! So, all of this stuff REALLY bothers my husband, along with the fact that they don’t exactly have a great relationship. It bothers me to, but we differ in what to do about it. I don’t know what to do and I feel like my husband just wants her gone. Both of us just want her to grow up, but neither of us know how to make that happen….
I have been making working out a very high priority because I gave myself a goal (which I am soooo not on track for) of losing 100 lbs and getting healthy by Nov. 10, 2013. At the time I set the goal, I had a little more than a year to achieve it. I do still have 8.5 months to go, but I have still only lost 20 lbs. I have been working out regularly, mostly 3-days a week. But my eating habits (with the exception of this week and last) have not been the greatest. I’m neither gaining, nor losing, weight. It is so frustrating because I feel like I’m working my ASS off and not getting any benefits. But at the same time, I know it is my own fault because I haven’t been eating right. I don’t feel like I had eaten THAT bad either, though. It is just not fair!!! This is the point, in the past, where I have just given up. Where I decided I was just destined to be fat for the rest of my life, and that I just don’t have the time to deal with dieting and everything that comes with it. Then I gain like 30 lbs and start freaking out because I realize that there is no end to the weight gain if I continue to eat like that. I will be 400 lbs before you know it and I CAN’T deal with that!!! No freakin’ way! So, I’m really trying to break that cycle this time around, but things keep getting thrown at me from every possible other angle. I am not able to just focus on losing weight and working out. I have to deal with my marriage issues, my child issues, stress at work, school, and other general family and friend stuff at the same time. This is what makes me say God must think I’m a bad ass.
My best friend told me this morning that she realized how much of a priority I make working out when I wouldn’t give up my Wed. night personal training sessions for my mental health or to go to counseling with my husband, which is something I REALLY want to do!!!! But I can’t take time off work every week to go, especially since I’m already taking 2-hour lunches two days a week for school. And the only nights the counselor is available are Wed and Thur. I have training on Wednesday nights and school on Thursday nights. If it were just me, I would totally switch the personal training to another night and change my whole workout schedule to adjust for the counseling, but I have my workout buddy that I have to think about too. Wow, this all sounds very bad when I’m writing it down. My priorities are working out and keeping a commitment to my workout buddy over counseling with my husband to save my marriage….. hmmm… I need to think about all that. My workout buddy doesn’t entirely know about my marriage situation at the moment, I’m sure she would understand. Maybe I’ll talk to her this weekend and see what we can do to switch things up so I can go to counseling on Wednesday nights. However; I’ll have to make up that Wednesday workout (with or without the trainer) at some time, which means that is one more late night a week. That is a sacrifice I’m willing to make if it will save my marriage. But the whole reason I’m trying to limit the late nights is to try to save my marriage!!!! What a freaking conundrum!
School has probably been the least priority for me. I have definitely not focussed on it like I usually do, it has been really difficult to find the motivation for that. Despite my lack of interest, I’m somehow still doing very well. Maybe I have put too much into it in the past??? Maybe I’m just way more awesome than I think, not that I think I’m awesome at all!!!! I do think I underestimate myself all the time. Something else to work on…. someday. I just wish I could pass on some of my motivation to my kid and my husband, who both seriously lack motivation! People tell me that I motivate them, but for some reason my husband and daughter just aren’t.
So, that’s what’s up. That’s why I’ve been MIA for a month. Just trying to keep my head above water, but I’m still out here gettin’ it! Doin’ my thing! Still trying to have a social life because people like me and want to hang out with me, damn-it! LOL I want everyone to be happy. Even though I have all this stress right now, I still keep a smile on my face and maintain a happy-go-lucky attitude. Sometimes I think that is desceiving though, maybe why my cries for help are not answered – maybe I’m not crying loud enough. And I know my cries should be accompanied by potential solutions, but I the only solutions I can come up with are a) hire me someone !!!! or b) move deadlines, which I hate to do.
This past week, and last week, I have tried to do a better job of planning my meals, and eating healthier. Lunch has been a struggle for me for a long time so I’m trying to work on that. But the scale did NOT reward me on Monday for my efforts, so here’s to a better weigh-in this coming Monday. Wait… I can go back to Wednesday weigh-ins now that the Biggest Loser competition at work is over! Yay! I didn’t win, by the way. I think my total weight-loss was like 3 lbs. Pfftt.
Please pray for me to STAY STRONG!!! I need it!!!
P.S. I know there are so many people out there who are going through much worse than I am right now, and my struggles are mostly self-induced (school & losing weight) and I am thankful all the time for what I have and I don’t want to take anything away from anyone out there, some of whom are bloggers that I follow, and what they are going through. Everyone has their cross to bear and I know mine could be worse!!!